The Kings Jester
by agentcooperanddiane
Summary: Being transported to another world is tough enough. It's even worse when you become the human court jester in a court full of humorless elves. Warnings: Slow Burn and stick in the mud Elf King.
1. Power Nap

Disclaimer: Everything in The Hobbit and Lord of the Rings is owned by Middle-earth Enterprises. I don't own anything except for Marie.

Enjoy

Court Jester

Marie could remember the first time she took up her grandmother's mandolin when she was eight, it had felt right. She had spent that first summer doing nothing but sitting under a tree getting the chords just right and playing every Britney Spears song she could think of.

It continued like that every summer when she went to stay on her grandparents Vermont farm even playing at the county fair and winning second place to the boy who could do perfect imitations of the all the barnyard animals (at the time she had been upset but now she could look back and think that he really did do a very good cow).

The mandolin nicknamed ole blue had gotten her a degree in musical theory and was good company many a lonely night, not that Marie minded too much she liked being out in nature with her music and a good book like The Hobbit something to get the imagination going. She imagined playing in a folk band or doing soundtracks for indie movies.

But soon she was twenty-five and giving mandolin lessons to hipsters in Portland not exactly her dream gig but it could've been worse thank god people named Tallulah and Brooklyn were willing to shell out big bucks to know an obscure instrument.

It was an unusually balmy day in Portland and she had just finished an hour long session with Cranston (yes first name) who was making some improvement but was hindering himself by trying to learn the marimba, bass sax, and mandolin at the same time but his break through app money was good so she let it be. She had the afternoon free and the weather was nice so she stopped at the store bought a lemonade and made her way to the local park a few blocks from her apartment.

The park itself was actually quite big so Marie went deeper into its more woodsy area looking for a nice isolated spot hoping to play a few songs and enjoy the fresh air. Pretty soon she came across a small clearing surrounded by fragrant trees just tall enough to drown out the sounds of traffic coming from the city. She sat in a shaded patch of soft grass to make up for the fact that she had no blanket and settled her pack and music case next to her. She started to pluck on the stings, wracking her brain for a nice calming song to fit the mood but instead found her eyelids getting heavier and heavier the more she strummed.

'No matter maybe a nap with help me think of a song' she thought as she settled down using her backpack as a rather lumpy pillow and closed her eyes for what she assumed to be short power nap.

*CRACK*

Marie jolted awake just in time to see a tree branch twice her size come crashing down from the canopy above to land ten feet from her head.

'I guess that's my que to leave' she thought quickly gathering her belongings and making her way down the trail she came in through 'I didn't know they were cutting branches today'

After about five minutes of walking with her headphones in and her head down she noticed that it was getting harder and harder to see her feet. She looked up hoping that she hadn't slept so long that the sun was actually going down but what met her eyes were the biggest trees she had ever seen. As a native of California she knew redwoods and these were no redwoods, these dark behemoths made the trees in California look like toothpicks. Unfortunately for Marie they were growing darker by the minute so she brought her phone out and used the flashlight app to light the path ahead if it could even be called a path it was so small.

"Ok I'm perhaps 80% sure that I'm not in Portland anymore" she said aloud to herself as she carefully made her way down a slight incline making sure not to trip.

A slight rustling came from behind her but when she whipped around the light of her phone found nothing, but soon more noises on either side of her caused her to pick up the pace.

"Make that 90%, Goddamn it where is the exit?" she panted as she much less carefully then before raced to what she hoped was the exit.

Marie stepped into a small clearing that had three paths branching off of it and each looked as menacing as the next so she began doing the fastest version of eeny meeny miny moe in the history of the world when a very ominous sound came the bushes not three feet behind her.

* ** _Click Click Click_** *

She turned and when her light hit the clicking bush the biggest hairiest spider she had ever seen in her life came leaping out at her with its great fangs outstretched ready to bite her head off and suddenly all of the lemonade that had once been in her system went trickling down her leg. The gigantic arachnid got within an inch of her face to the point where she could smell its rancid breath before it was violently wrenched to the side. She heard it give an ear splitting screech before it shriveled up and died from what appeared to be an arrow in its abdomen, slowly she pivoted in the direction the arrow had come from only to come face to face with one of the most beautiful men she has ever laid eyes on, like Brad Galipse her junior high crush hot. She was so stunned she almost missed when he spoke to her.

" _mana a-cinta firya wen úcar tanomë taurë?"_ The gorgeous pointy eared man spoke in a hushed forceful way, it was just too bad she couldn't understand a word he said.

'Oh who am I kidding this guy blows Brad Galipse out of the water' She couldn't help noting that the man and his companions left poor ole Brad in the dust, the only department they got points off on was the fact that they were all pointing very sharp, very deadly arrows at her.

"Uhh…" was about all she managed to get out before a bag was thrown over her head and her hands were tied.

I hope you enjoyed the first chapter, please feel free to favorite, follow, and leave a review.

Translation: _mana a-cinta firya wen úcar tanomë taurë?-_ what is a small human woman doing in the woods.


	2. Holding On

Disclaimer: Everything in The Hobbit and Lord of the Rings is owned by Middle-earth Enterprises. I don't own anything except for Marie.

Enjoy

 **Holding On**

Being the guest of Elves must be quite nice, just being a merchant or foreign dignitary that has come to seek the wisdom of the elves on some important matter or to sell exotic bits and babbles that would amuse them.

After completing your business, they would invite you to dinner which would consist of beautifully roasted vegetables, the freshest greens, and sweet wine that never seemed to stop flowing. You wouldn't even mind that there was no meat on the table because every bite was even more delicious than the last and all the while soft music came from their flutes to match the soft breeze that kissed you skin.

Soon the hour would grow late and a beautiful young elven maid with hair like moonlight would show you the guest chamber that has a calming air about it and is decorated with ancient artifacts so old their names are lost to time and you would fall asleep on the softest bed imaginable and know that nothing bad would ever happen.

These are the type of thoughts that ran through Marie's head the second and third day of her stay in the Elven Kings dungeons if only to take her mind off the fact that she had used half of her daily allotted water to wash her soiled pants and underwear which were now hanging to dry on the bars of her cell. She wrapped her lower half in the thin coarse blanket from her cot and used another quarter of her water to wash her skin before taking small sips of the rest water to ease her dry throat, she had already eaten her daily lembas bite.

'So far I'm doing pretty well' she thought as she gazed up at the stone ceiling 'at least better than the first day'

That first day had been rough, after the hood had been placed over her head and her hands tied she had been forced to walk for what felt like hours until she was lead down many stairs (which is no small task being blindfolded and all) before she was unceremoniously shoved into a cell.

" _Har_ " was spat at her and then they left with only a guard to bring her food and water once a day.

So far she had figured out that she was in Mirkwood and had been taken prisoner by the Elven King probably for something stupid like trespassing or walking while human.

It hadn't been too difficult to figure out she was in Middle-Earth, huge trees plus spiders plus super model elves all add up to Mirkwood it just had to be put together. Also the guards after they put her in the cell to be forgotten had said to each other "something something elvish Mirkwood" so that had been a big clue.

She still had no clue if she was in The Hobbit or in the Ring Trilogy but no dwarves had shown up nor tricksy little hobbitses so she wasn't going to learn that any time soon.

In fact, there had been no other prisoners brought in and the only person she interacted with was her elven guard, a man with the emotional range of a dinner plate.

She was checking on her underwear and jeans to see if they were dry on the third afternoon (no wind made it much harder than it had to be) when a beautiful redheaded elf woman came to see her.

"Human you will explain what you were doing in the woods and the various items you were carrying on your person" She spoke with an authority that intimidated Marie but mostly the human was just grateful that she was speaking English…uh Common.

"Well hi my name is Marie Noel Greene and I was traveling with my… guardian Uncle Fester to Lake Town when our wagon was set upon by… Orcs and my uncle forced me to flee into the forest, I walked for half a day before your men found me an act for which I am truly grateful."

She seemed to accept the story with a small amount of doubt if the twinge from her perfect eyebrow was anything to go by.

"I' am Tauriel the Royal Guard Captain and you have told me how you came to be in these woods but Lady Greene you still have not told me of the things you carry" with that she reached into Marie's bag and yanked out a handful of super to regular tampons. "Like these!"

It took everything in Marie's very being not to burst out laughing especially when the she-elf had such an intense look on her face as if she were holding deadly weapons.

"Ummm those are some hygienic products meant for me and pretty much everything in there is just silly odds and ends a lot of human women use but I promise nothing in there is every going to hurt anyone."

Tauriel gave the prisoner a reluctant look before putting the period sticks back but she didn't look to be giving up quite yet as she handed the bag to a guard off to the side and came back with the mandolin case.

"What about this instrument hum? I've never seen it's like, perhaps you meant to play it and bewitch the Eldar with its music" To demonstrate she plucked a chord and the sound bounced off the stone walls.

"Oh no I'd never, really as my uncle sold his odds and ends I would play music on my mandolin to make a few extra coins on the side nothing more." To be honest Marie was kind of getting tired of the third degree made worse by the fact that she was half naked through it all.

Tauriel scrunched up her nose and narrowed her eyes to make a face that would have made any other person look like pertinent child on the edge of tantrum but made the Elven warrior look fiery and gorgeous.

"Fine I will have the King inspect your things and he will than judge what will be done with you" She turned to march away but not before adding one last thing over her shoulder. "I should tell you that I have dragged many unfortunate souls to the middle of the forest and left them there."

With that she was gone and Marie slowly dressed in her panties and still a little damp jeans and flopped onto her flat little cot. For the first time since she arrived she thought about her tiny apartment above the dim sum restaurant, her hipster students who really were very nice even though they gave her that kombucha that smelled and tasted like feet, and her grandma's farm with its beautiful wild flower fields and purple sunsets. She cried herself to sleep thinking about how she would never see them again and soon would be spider munch

*Several Hours Later*

Marie was jolted awake by the sound of her cell door being forced open by Tauriel and her being dragged up and out to climb the stairs leading out of the dungeon.

"King Thranduil wishes to speak with you and then he will decide your fate" Tauriel explained as she took Marie's elbow in a firm but not hurtful grip. She pretended not to notice the young girl wiping her eyes and nose with the back of her hand as they made their way to the infamous Elven-King.

Translations:

Har-Stay

Eldar-Elves

There's another chapter hope you enjoy it. Please follow, favorite, and leave a review. I'd also like to thank the people who have HannahRe, Snoffan, Misztique, and SparklesJustReads.


	3. Job Interview

Disclaimer: Everything in The Hobbit and Lord of the Rings is owned by Middle-earth Enterprises. I don't own anything except for Marie.

Enjoy

 **Job Interview**

Walking from the dark dank dungeons to the royal court of the High Elven King was like going from two-bit flea bitten motel to the Four Seasons Las Vegas. While still technically underground the area had high ceilings and the architecture was carved in such a way that Marie had the feeling that going from the surrounding forest into the elven domain would feel practically seamless. The one thing she could do without was the number of stairs in the place by the time she reached the throne room she was huffing and puffing for breath and on the verge of heaving up her bite of lembas.

'Doesn't help my escorts are still fresh as spring daisies' she thought glaring at her two guards one in back and the other in front who she had decided to call Uggo and Gross even though they both had jawlines that could cut diamonds.

Tauriel had gone on ahead and a small part of Marie missed the captain only for the fact that the elleth was the only familiar thing in this place even if she wasn't officially canon.

Stopping before the throne Uggo moved to join Gross behind her and Marie got her first full view of the infamous Elven King ruler of the Woodlands. She had to admit the guy did not disappoint.

Wrapped in a dark green robe with gold leaf inlays the King was draped across his throne with his head thrown back which only accentuated his impossibly long neck. His throne resembled a mix of a giant tree trunk with twisting dark mahogany branches that stretched several yards outwards and was topped off with antlers that would give any moose a run for their money. It was only when Tauriel began speaking that Marie snapped out of her ogling and instead focused on the steps of the throne in case Thranduil decided to take her head off for gawking at the royal physique.

"This is Marie daughter of Greene she claims that she was traveling with her merchant uncle when they were set upon by orcs and she fled and is presumed to be the only survivor." Tauriel explained with a small wave of her hand before bowing to her king.

He raised his head and lazily opened his eyes as if just noticing that there were other people in the room. His gazed bounced from person to person before finally settling on Marie and suddenly she understood how people got tunnel vision.

Thranduil's striking blue eyes felt like they were staring into her very soul and she could do nothing to hide from his gaze. His long immaculate hair that could only be compared to starlight framed his face and shoulders in such a way that on any other man would like feminine if not for the fact that the King exuded raw authority and strength. His skin glowed just a bit brighter than all of his subjects and it could have been mistaken for the finest marble it was so unblemished, Marie was moving on to his thick eyebrows when she noticed one of them was slightly raised and a small cough came from Tauriel's direction. Taking the hint Marie lowered her eyes to the floor and bowed low if only to hide the fact that her face was turning an alarming shade of red.

"These types of situations are very rare in my kingdom" the king spoke with low airy tone that forced people to be quite and listen. "most who escape into the trees are quickly devoured by the giant spiders, you must count yourself very…lucky?"

A few beats passed before she realized he expected an answer and she decided to stroke his ego, perhaps than she wouldn't get tossed back into the dungeons and forced to wither into dust while everyone around her stayed forever young and beautiful.

"Oh yes your…royal highness very lucky indeed if not for your brave elven warriors I would be but a small snack for the retched spiders that plague your kingdom and even more fortunate to be in the presence of the most noble and magnificent elf of them all is almost too much." Marie felt a bit like a sideshow announcer even if the words were more than half true.

Thranduil seemed to fall for it at least from the way he sat a little straighter in his throne and turned his head slightly from side to side as if to showcase the brilliance that was himself. He reminded Marie a bit of a cockatoo with his blinding white hair and haughty attitude.

He appeared to be slightly disappointed when she didn't continue exalting his virtues but his expression quickly morphed into one of amusement with a touch of something sinister that sent a shiver down Marie's spine.

"Tauriel tells me that you are a musician and play a strange instrument that she has never seen before" with that he slightly raised his hand and the aforementioned elleth placed the mandolin carefully in his palm. "hmmm I have seen others like it but this…thing appears to be very unique."

He admired her instrument for a few moments and Marie kept silent knowing that if she said the wrong thing he might be tempted to break it. Finally, he rose and made his way down the thrones stone steps that had intricately carved roses and apples on the sides.

'Man could this guy get anymore enchanting/intimidating?' the smaller human thought as she took in the kings 6'8 lean frame that towered over not only herself but Tauriel too who was no slouch at 6'. She reached out her hands to take the mandolin but the king didn't have any intention of giving it up just yet.

"It is always nice to see a human who understands it's place in the world" he said as he stroked the faded baby blue stained wood for which gave the mandolin its nickname of Ole Blue. "We get visits from humans who come to trade from time to time and for the most part they are obnoxious and dull but we put up with them because they are valuable trade partners."

He gazed down at her from the corner of his eye as if daring her to say something and how she desperately wanted to defend her race but she instead chose to school her features into a neutral even bored expression.

"But a few years back while sharing a meal with a merchant from Rohan in between his blathering about horses I gleamed something rather interesting." He faced her fully and stared down his perfect noble nose at her. "He said that his king liked to keep a servant around whose sole purpose was to amuse the monarch. To tell jokes, perform tricks, and…to play music." With that he thrust the mandolin into her arms and strode back to sit upon his throne.

"I even had elf from Rivendell come and fill this type of role for me but he proved to be so dull and all he did was play his flute and prance around, you may not know much about the Woodland kingdom human but I can assure you we do not prance."

"That is a very informative story your highness but I'm not sure what it has to do with me?" Marie asked attempting to swallow the lump that had formed in her throat.

"When Tauriel came to me and described what she had found in the woods, I shall we say discovered the error of my ways" at that he focused in on her. "Instead of having another elf come and float around me like an overgrown butterfly, I should instead have a funny looking human entertain my courtiers and I."

At that the little hamster that worked Marie's gray matter had a heart attack and died. "I-I-I'm sorry but you can't keep me here, I have to get home and I sure as hell am not going to be your court jester or clown or whatever." She chose to ignore the king whispering 'so that's what it is called.'

At her objection the Elven King stuck him nose in the air and explained the situation to her. "My captain of the guard has told me you are the only survivor of a traveling merchant with no survival skills based on the fact that you were lumbering around spider infested forests and you are only alive because I allow it." She lowered her eyes to the floor as he went on. "You shall be my guest for an indefinite amount of time and you will entertain me anytime I please, that is final now off with you."

Uggo and Gross took her by the elbows and dragged her down the stairs to a few levels below and down a vast hallway before depositing her in a small room with a small bed, a dresser, and a tiny writing desk all in what felt like a blur of a few seconds. She heard the sound of a lock turning on the other side of the door and then soft footsteps drifting away down the hall and she felt so utterly alone.

The only light in the room came from the moon streaming in from the small window too high for her to reach so Marie just sat on her bed next to her mandolin and bag that had been tossed in with her. She had a million thoughts racing through her head but she was only able to whisper one out loud into the lonely night air.

"Who does that metrosexual motherfucker think he is calling me funny looking?"

* * *

And that's three down more to come. I hope you enjoyed it sorry it took a little longer this time but I'll try and get a chapter out next week. Also if you any elf oc's tell me and I'll try and work them into the upcoming chapters. Don't forget to follow and review.


End file.
